Far From Vital Statistics

I bloody love statistics, me. I like the fact that they can literally be about anything, from the average number of nostril hairs in adult males aged between 36 – 48, the number of kittens you could comfortably allow in your room before you exploded from sheer squeedom, all the way up to how many bones I could break if I rammed your idiotic face straight into that wall.

Occasionally here in Chez FoldsFive (which is actually what it's called, which is why I don’t get nearly as much post as I used to) I like to sit in my drawing room, sleeping Labrador on my lap with a freshly lit pipe stuffed to the gills with Black Stoker tobacco and a glass of Balvenie 21 year old Port wood finish Speyside Whisky, and smile happily to myself over the statistics gathered by this very blog.

Typically I spend a good twenty minutes guffawing loudly to myself – occasionally waking my Labrador Belvedere – over how if you squint, the readership graph vaguely resembles the opening credits of the Rainbow TV series from the nineteen seventies.

Look! It does! I shit you not...

..but it's nice to see that it is gradually creeping upwards over time to be roughly double the traffic that it had in the early days.  That first big peak?  Thats May 2009 when I can't really find anything out of the ordinary I'd posted to demand those stats.  The second whopper from June 2011? This.

The vast majority of you come here directly (I'd really like to think you've bookmarked me and hang off my every word) but a good quarter of you have arrived here from a reddit piece about one of the Star Wars Animated GIFs. A small chunk of you come here via facebook.

Odds are you're from the UK, but visitors from the Good Ol' U.S. of America are catching up with you rapidly. A few Canadians, French, Germans and Australians pop in as well.

You're almost definitely viewing this on Windows and then most likely through Firefox. Windows OS users outnumber the Mac lot almost 3 to 1, but regarding browsers it's much more tight. Internet Explorer and Chrome are definitely snapping at the heels of the Firefox lot.

Those of you who found this place quite by chance by searching for something via a search engine, It's probably quite likely you did so searching for either information on Poplar Trees or Jeremy Clarkson. Or maybe you're of the 109 people who found your way here by typing 'Geordie Shore tits' into Google.. But I do hope not. I'd like to think the FoldsFive readership are of a higher calibre than that.

So, there we have it. An exciting collection of numbers to thrill and amaze. And an appropriate juncture for me to thank you for reading my blog and knowing that there are actual real people out there who read it. And more to the point, keep coming back. Even if its just to see if I've done anything ranty and sweary and beneath me. And thanks to the friends of the blog (you know who you are, you gorgeous, sexy people) who comment on it and share it - That's what keeps me writing.

All the very best! Love, cuddles n stuff

David

"In the Kingdom of the stupid, the man who can keep his mouth shut whilst chewing is King"

The vast majority of the people inhabiting this spinning ball of gravel, mud sand and water that we call Planet Earth are fucking idiots. Drooling incompetent buffoons who I’d struggle to trust with the complex task of holding a glass of water upright without spilling it, let alone trusting them to drive on the roads without suddenly screeching onto the pavement and killing me for no apparent reason or operate the complex coloured controls within nuclear reactors and/or burger restaurants.

I wouldn't be surprised if the average IQ score for the population of the planet has remained pretty constant during my lifetime – which would be great if the population hadn't risen so dramatically.

I've complained about at great lengths about the types of idiots common to the internet before - those who click on any old sense in the desperate hope of getting free stuff, those who spread utter bollocks about utter bollocks - but it's perhaps time to add to that list with a few more entries for my Encyclopaedia Idiotica. 

People who mark stuff as 0/10 on Internet Review Sites

Metacritic - I'm mostly looking at you. Do you know what one of the worst fucking ideas™ of all time was? Letting stupid people rate stuff. You’re barely capable of making a cup of tea without diagrams and supervision, so why I should rate your opinion on a game you played for three hours and then switched it off because “it was well sloe and didunt not have enuff guns” is frankly beyond me. Just because "You didunt understandd the ending" of that film I quite like, I don't care – mainly because even the complexities of the average episode of Spongebob Squarepants are way beyond your feeble comprehension.

(Clue: When they ask who lives in a pineapple under the sea, the answer is "Spongebob Squarepants" and not you doing a thousand yard stare whilst drooling).

I’d struggle to give anything a mark of zero out of ten. Even if when placed in the drive a game disk got spat out by the console span out across the room like Oddjob's razor edged bowler hat, ricocheting around the room and decapitating my cats, I'd probably give it a mark or 2 for the nice box art. If a film caused me to have such a violent reaction that my eyes explosively burst out of my sockets like lychees, I’d still give it a mark or so - out of politeness, you understand - for the nice soundtrack.

Your mark of zero out of ten doesn't place you in the annals of history for being a maverick soul brave enough to resist convention – it makes you a prize prick who shouldn't be allowed nice things. And you gave a score of 10 to Transformers 2 and Call of Duty: Black Ops so your opinion is not only irrelevant, it’s bordering on illegally stupid.

You could of course argue, "But David, surely people who mark stuff as 10 out of 10 are just as bad? A maximum score indicates perfection and surely that isn't really possible in any genre?". And I will reply with "Shut up you idiot, you can’t blame anybody for a bit of enthusiasm. And how would you explain Big Mommas House 2, eh? Cinematic perfection, right there."*

Cinema Audiences

With their small brains you’d think that the cinema would be an ideal distraction for an idiot. A place where they can happily whoop, cheer and boo at the bright flickering images on the big screen whilst their puny brains simultaneously try to cope with a complex storyline as well as fathom out the mystery behind how this whole magical-moving-image technology works anyway.

Tell them it’s magic. It’s easier and less frustrating in the long run.

But oh no, even having the latest Blockbuster exploderama projected over 190 square metres isn’t enough to distract you from the important things in life which, having been in your presence for nearly two hours, I can safely determine as being:

• Your mobile phone. Because Heaven-fucking-forfend your crops in Farmville should be neglected for two hours or that there might be the slightest fucking gap in your twitter feed. ("JASON STAFUM IS WELL FIT #FastAndFurious17")
• Eating. Which is best done by opening your mouth wide with every single chew so your brain can hear your mouth is still working.
• Drinking. Careful mate, there might be a droplet of Coke you've missed lurking in the grooves at the bottom of your cup - Maybe if you play the exciting game of Straw Slurp Race and Chase you'll be able to catch the fucker. Noisily.
• Laughing at poignant bits in the plot, talking or yawning noisily over those interrupting moments of exposition and generally acting like Chimps playing up at your first tea party. Wankers.

But of course I'm preaching to the converted. The very fact you read this blog implies you're a person of high culture and taste (or like seeing the word "fuck" written on the internet) and are immune to such stupidity. Unless you've wandered here by accident looking for naked pictures of the women from Geordie Shore - in which case I'd like to direct you to slightly west of Fuck Off. And keep going.

* - This is clearly a joke. The Scary Movie series of films are clearly the pinnacle of the art of cinema. And, I've been reminded,  Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps.

The Last Of Us

I'm holding my breath and crouching behind a desk. There's a Clicker in the room, his legs shuffling awkwardly as he stumbles around looking for me, his head now a bloated and blind fungal mass - years of infection have removed any vestiges of humanity he once possessed. A guttural tick echoes from his mouth as he claws at the air in desperate frustration. I'm about to breathe a sigh of relief when he passes me by but then I hear it - the sound of one of those less infected but as deadly nonetheless who has spotted me - and realise I'm going to run for it. I've only made it two or three steps before the Clicker hears me and screams after me in pursuit.

Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit

My vision is fading from the blood loss as I slide down behind cover, hurriedly trying to craft myself a medical kit from the few scavenged remains I've pocketed. Bullets ricochet off a nearby wall as the military advance from behind cover, suspecting I'm out of ammo. Which I am. I could have made a Molotov cocktail with the same kit, but it's too late for that now. I have no time so run towards one of them in desperation, my fist swinging towards his face.

Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit

The Last of Us (exclusive to the PS3) is a survival horror game set 20 years after an apocalypse has devastated the Earth. And for once it's not World War III or Zombies (in as much as 28 days sort of isn't a zombie film), but in a world where the insect disease Cordyceps has spread to humanity. The remaining populace have been herded into Military controlled quarantine zones.

The prologue - which introduces you to the character of Joel - is one of the best openings to a video-game I've encountered since Prey and Bioshock. It's very reminiscent of the opening to Zack Snyders 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead in that it introduces something quite horrific into a domestic scene - it's powerful, well written, perfectly paced and - most unusually for a video game - is phenomenally well acted. I haven't been as moved by watching anything that took such a short period of time since Pixar's Up.

In many cases, the survivors are as bad as the infected.
Humanity is all but lost, in every sense of the word.

20 years later sees your character Joel eking out an existence as a smuggler, skilled in the art of survival  and travelling between the quarantine zones. A living, of sorts. And in the introduction - which does the great thing of being a tutorial that doesn't feel like a tutorial - sees you and your partner Tess press-ganged into a most unusual smuggling operation; To escort a young girl named Ellie - with a very important secret - out of the city and to safety.

What follows is a breathtaking journey across a plague ravaged America where the military who seek Ellie are almost as deadly as the disease-ridden infected who wander the wastes. You'll be forced to scavenge for every piece of equipment you can get your hands on - every piece of ammunition is scarce with value beyond compare, and you'll rarely be in a position where you can plough dozens of bullets into an enemy to take him down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So far, so video game. The survival horror genre has been done to death, so what makes this any different?  Any seasoned gamer must have wandered across hundreds of post apocalyptic landscapes fighting three dozen varieties of mutants/zombies/maniacs, etc.

Well for once the script doesn't feel like it's been cobbled together by a couple of games designers who thought they were up to the task because they watched the Mad Max Box-set at the weekend. With music composed by a decent musician (Gustavo Santaolalla) as opposed to somebody who was roped into the task because they had a Casio SA-46 keyboard in the attic which still had some batteries in. With the roles acted out by a decent cast instead of dragging people in from the street or getting a developer who was in the schools performance of Oliver a decade ago.

The Last Of Us is an immaculately presented package. As what is possibly one of the last big titles for the PS3, it's a perfect swansong - a perfectly worded eulogy for what gaming can be if the ingredients and recipe are right. I'll go out on a limb and say that it's probably one of the best video-games I've played in the last 30 years. Nigh on perfection.

At times the game can be genuinely beautiful. The cities, 20 years victim
to the ravages of nature, are as terrifying as they are fascinating.

The film critic Roger Ebert wrote a brilliant piece back in 2010 describing why he thought that videogames could never be art. It's a piece I don't necessarily agree with, but it's a shame he died - not least of which because I'd love to have known what he thought of The Last Of Us. He probably still wouldn't admit it was art, but I think he'd have loved it as one of the closest links between cinema and gaming I've seen in a long, long time.

It's been an odd week for PS3 and 360 owners in which it seems that Microsoft have been determined to make you all want to buy the next generation of Playstation. The quality of The Last Of Us means you might not want to rush that quickly to invest in a next-gen console - there's life in this old dog yet. 

The Last Of Us is truly brilliant. Beautiful, thought-provoking and - most importantly - a simply great game. 

PS4 vs XBox One - The Verdict

As the next generation of games consoles begins in earnest, it's time for people everywhere to compare and rate the key differences between the two front-runners: Microsoft's XBox One and Sony's PS4.

1. Appearance.  The XBox One’s minimalist design is reminiscent of the entertainment equipment of the early 1980s.  Sony appear to have adopted a more modern look, the PS4’s sleeker design makes it look well better than Microsoft’s offering, and I bet the XBox doesn’t even fit in your bedroom because it’s so massive.

2. Online presence.  Much has been said about the XBox One having to be online to play games.  The new PS4 will not, mainly because Sony are well shit when it comes to online, they got hacked and had to apologise to the Prime Minister of Japan and pay about a million pounds in compensation then they had to commit suicide.

3. Processor speed.  The XBox One has got tons of gigs, which means it is totes fast.  Compared with the PS4’s gigs, which are like way worse, my new iPhone has even got more gigs than that and that’s at least a year old.  I bet the PS4 is going to be rubbish.

4. Memory.  The XBox One hasn’t even got more rams than PS4, I know ‘cos the man from GameStation said so.  It’s only got 8 rams so it’s going to be cack, anyway when the PS4 comes out I’m going to get one straight away and only losers get Microsoft stuff because it’s for old people.  I bet my gran gets an XBox One.  Your gran won’t because she can’t afford one.

5. Graphics.  Everyone knows that the PS4 is going to have better graphics, my telly is 80 inches and it’s going to fit on that.  My mum and dad got me a 80 inch TV and they’re going to get me a 100 inch one for my birthday.

6. Cost.  I’m getting an XBox One for Christmas because it costs more so it must be better.  You’re getting a Mega Drive from the charity shop and it’ll stink like your grandpa’s pissy trousers because it’s been in a charity shop for about fifty years.  The PS4 is going to cost 50p in a second hand shop because nobody will want one.

7. Games.  Lol, you’re a loser and you can’t even talk to me anymore because you’re off my friends list.  I’m going to play Call Of Duty, you can shoot a man’s head off and I bet you can’t even do that in Halo.  Halo is for girls.  I heard that when COD comes out for PS4 it’s going to be well better with more graphics and that’s why they want to bring it out on XBox One first so all the shit graphics are used up.

Living with a black dog

There are a great many things in life that are difficult to comprehend unless you've experienced them yourself. Bereavement and Morris Dancing spring immediately to mind. Depression is like that too.

I’ll be honest and admit that I didn't understand depression. Everybody gets grumpy and sad every once in a while, yeah? And then we take a deep breath, pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and start all over again – also known as the “For fucks sake, stop whining and just pull yourself together” approach. If there is something making you sad, or unhappy, or anxious - just deal with it. Avoid it altogether (if at all possible) or just get on with it.

And this was the approach I took when my wife Tara was first diagnosed with depression several years ago. I couldn't feel any genuine sympathy for her plight because I just didn't understand it. I went through the motions of appearing sympathetic, saying all the right things and being nice - but it felt ultimately hollow, disingenuous even. With hindsight this was so utterly selfish of me, but I can only appreciate that due to my own later experiences.

For fucks sake, stop whining and just pull yourself together.

And then the same thing happened to me.

Paralysing anxiety attacks that floored me in my attempts to leave the house – my ribs tightening with every step I took away from home until I didn't dare go any further in case the pain crushed me. My dreams were obsessed with illness – I could feel this cancer, or whatever it was that was making me feel so awful, growing inside me, tendrils and shoots wrapping around my bones. Lying awake at night clutching at my chest, convinced that my heart was about to stop – all of this accompanied by the unending misery that you will feel like this all of the time and that you will always feel like this and you don’t know why this is happening to you.

And you realise that you can’t avoid the things that are making you anxious, because there isn't a definitive cause. You can’t follow your own advice, because it simply does not work. You don’t know how this was triggered, so you can’t make it stop. You’re miserable and you don’t know why.

And this is accompanied by the guilt and shame that you’re a burden on those around you. And the awful feeling that you are wasting the time of the doctors – none of whom can find anything wrong with you. People around you – good friends, family – start asking you whether you've considered speaking to somebody about the way you feel, but you won’t accept that – the problem you have is physical and it’s not just in your head and For Gods sake this pain can’t just be in my imagination.

There’s still an underlying shame to admitting you think you’re suffering from mental issues, and this is terribly unfair. There is no shame in seeking medical help for suffering from a thyroid imbalance, or a blood sugar imbalance – but you feel there is for depression, which is only ultimately a chemical imbalance in your brain.

But eventually after they've exhausted all possibilities, the problem can only be in your head – and then eventually after much trial and error, the right mix of medication is found and after they've kicked in, you don’t feel so bad any more.

But the problem is – you don’t feel so good any more either.

Your emotional range becomes muted. You don’t get upset about things like you used to, but you can’t bring yourself to get that excited or happy about things either. The chemical imbalance in your brain is being sorted, but it’s at the expense of your emotional spectrum. For a lot of things in life it just feels like going through the motions.

My mum died and I couldn’t grieve properly over it at the time. Of course I was sad, but it felt forced – I felt guilty that I wasn’t grieving enough. I was simply going through the motions.

But over time, if you're lucky, this improves. The fog in your head that you've lived with for so very long begins to dissipate. You have the odd day where, do you know what? Life is good. You forget that there is anything wrong with you. And this becomes the odd two days, and then the odd week.

And you come out of it with a greater understanding of the condition, and you will from that day onwards never ever tell anybody with depression to snap out of it.

Ssshhh... Spoilers.

"Fucksocks".

There’s a classic episode of the comedy “Whatever happened to the Likely Lads?” from 1973 in which our hapless heroes Bob and Terry are trying to avoid the result of a football match between England and Bulgaria - as they’re intending to watch the game on television that evening. They both go to absurd lengths to avoid seeing or hearing the result in ever more desperate attempts to find places where there won’t be a radio or a television set – they give blood, go flower arranging with the Women’s Institute and even try to find sanctuary in a local church. And it all ends, as the majority of comedies from the seventies do, with everything going hopelessly wrong whilst the credits and end theme play over footage of them looking dejected.

(As an aside, it was an unwritten rule for all comedies in the seventies - and 86% of comedies in the eighties - that all characters who’d appeared over the course of the episode had to bizarrely all congregate together in the same room for the end credits. This would without fail accompany the main character/characters who were trying to extricate themselves from a collapsed wardrobe, look forlornly at the ruins of what was once their house or attempt to shoo off a goat running amok in their living room).

If Bob and Terry were trying to do the same today, the episode would last around eight seconds. Terry would get a text he’d think was from a “bird he’d met at the Elephant and Thistle”, look at his phone and a BBC update would tell him the score there and then in 24 point Gill Sans.

Bob and Terry: FUCK.

End Credits play: "Oh, what happened to you, Whatever happened to me? What became of the peeeeeeople we used to be?"

BBC Announcer; “Join us for the next episode of Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?” in which Bob and Terry start secretly playing World of Warcraft without telling the other and accidentally fall in love with each others characters and agree to meet in real life on a blind date”.

It's a natural human reaction that whenever we learn something, one of our first instincts is to tell other people. This has generally served us well as a species, with one of the earliest examples being Chief Grok Facebeard-one-arm teaching his fellow cave dwellers the cautionary tale that Sabre-tooth tigers definitely do not like being ticked under the chin.

OMG

Remember the old days when the first you knew of a film was when it was advertised on telly? And the only way you'd know the plot in advance was if you purchased the tie-in novel (which was probably written by Alan Dean Foster)?  These were also the good old days when our favourite Timelord could regenerate without 9 months of speculative newspaper articles about it. Now information zips around the world at light-speed to our televisions, computers and our phones and we're spoiled with pretty much every plot line, every snappy line of dialogue and every special effect of every film before we've even seen it.

But despite this, it's still possible for surprises to happen.

Occasionally an event happens that is so momentous - so paradigm shattering - that facebook and twitter feeds solely consist of the letters O, M and G scrolling endlessly - and if you squint hard enough at it you can pretend you're in the fucking matrix.

I am referring of course to the infamous Red Wedding from the recently shown Episode 9 of Series 3 of Game of Thrones, the penultimate episode before we have to agonisingly wait 11 months or so the next instalment.

The whole episode seemed to be building up to something. It was unusually tense and claustrophobic for the first half, but I think like many others I stood up from the sofa in astonishment when the doors of the wedding were ███████ and ███████ pulled back the ██████ of █████ to reveal █████████. Horror was etched across her face - she barely had time to ████ █████ before a █████ came out of the darkness and ███████ ███ ████████ ████ repeatedly in the ███████. A ██████ ████████ of three  █████ characters, and surely an ███ to the █████████.

For some people of course it isn't a spoiler. There are those who smugly announce that they've known what was going to happen since they read it in "A Storm of Swords" 13 years ago, and are frankly amazed that it is even possible to sit in the Venn Diagram intersection of "People who can read" and "People who like sci-fi/fantasy" and NOT have read it.

But at least "The Red Wedding" finally answers the mystery of why a few of my fantasy loving and book reading friends were in bad moods for much of the year 2000.

(As an aside, I can both read and I also like science fiction and Fantasy, although I tend not to have a great deal of time to dedicate to books that worryingly thick unless they have titles like "Expert 9i Database Administration" or "Oracle in a Nutshell". And work related texts are a great deal easier to dip in and out of with a much less involved plot and less characters. And certainly less magic weaponry. Usually).

Like Bob and Terry, I felt I had to watch the episode as quickly as possible - I'd picked up the hints that something big was going to happen, but didn't know what - and I was damned if I was going to be told before I'd found out for myself.

These people posting spoilers all over social media? I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt and state that I don't think they are being mean or thoughtless - I think it boils down to the aforementioned weird human trait of wanting to genuinely share this information out of a sense of excitement, that "OMG DID YOU SEE THAT" reaction.

But it still makes navigating social media a bit of a minefield - but we're all only human.

But if anybody tells me what happens in the forthcoming "Man of Steel" I will genuinely hunt you down, kill you slowly - and use your intestines as upholstery.

Press Release: My First Game Of Thrones - SPOILERS

Bantam Spectra and Voyager Books in collaboration with George R.R. Martin are proud to announce a new upcoming title for Summer 2013, "My First Game Of Thrones".

From the publishing team that brought you "My First Necronomicon" we are proud to announce the latest proud addition to our line of books. At long last children will be able to enjoy the multi-layered saga that is the magical world of Westeros. In the Games of Thrones series and through its many volumes tailored for a pre-school audience they will learn valuable lessons about the feudal system, loyalty, friendship, trust, bravery and that every single thing on this world that they love or hold dear will eventually leave or die. But most probably die.

"It's a project that I'm thrilled to be a part of", announced George R.R. Martin, "in that now it's now possible through these works that children can learn from a very early age that it's simply pointless to trust anybody around you and that every glimpse you have of your family might be your very last."

Julian Assange - "Extraditions too good for the little shit"

Julian Assange. Yesterday.

The UK Government has been asked to consider a request from Ecuador to hold talks on the future of the founder of Wikileaks Julian Assange.

Mr Assange, who has now been living in the Ecuadorean London Embassy for a year, was granted political asylum there back on the 19th of June 2012. He faces extradition to Sweden over sex allegations, which he vigorously denies.

"Frankly we're fed up him", said Ecuador's foreign minister Ricardo Patino who will be visting Mr Assange later in the month to organise a meeting with Foreign Secretary William Hague.

"His room in the Embassy is a complete dump", continued Patino, "He's obsessed with collecting newspaper cuttings about all kinds of rubbish and sticking them to the wall. I wouldn't even mind if he used blu-tac but he insists on using Sellotape and he's ruining the wallpaper."

"One of the cleaners took one look in there the other week and give him a piece of her mind. Next thing we know he's published an eighteen page expose about her on the internet saying how she's got three books out from the library that are two weeks overdue, how she lied in her CV about having a "B" in O Level Geography and that she once passed cheap wine off as expensive stuff at a party by changing the bottle."

"Once when I refused to pop out of the Embassy for him to pick up something he wanted because I was busy - Some Dandelion and Burdock pop and some Jaffa cakes, if memory serves - he went off on one. Started shouting how was a blind supporter of the hegemony of the U.S. Military. I think he said the word "Sheeple" several times. When he'd finished he slammed his door and didn't come out for three days. By which time he pretending nothing had happened but suspiciously there was suddenly a video on Youtube of me where my voice had been replaced by the sound of a man trumping. I'm frankly at the end of my tether."

"So ultimately you're welcome to him. Any more of this bullshit and he'll have to forcibly extradite from boot from his mouth. At this stage we're frankly considering folding him in in his bedding whilst he sleeps and rolling him out of the window."

Not in my name

Not in my name.

It’s a phrase that has been said a fair few times over the past 24 hours since the horrible events at Woolwich. British Muslims have said it repeatedly on Twitter as has the Muslim Council of Britain in an official statement all denouncing the brutal and barbarous cold-blooded murder of a soldier on our streets.

Not in my name.

It’s a powerful phrase but one that need not be said. It’s like apologising when somebody else bumps into you, an all too British quality. There are few of us who are short-sighted enough to believe that the evil actions of two deluded murderers are representative of an entire group of people.

Few – but sadly not none.

It was a truly callous act, and a Jihadist one solely designed to anger, to provoke, to spread fear. And with the blue touch-paper lit, the old familiar drone begins anew.

“Deport them all” – as though there is some mythical country called Islam that we can ship them out to.

“Bring back the death penalty” – because that’s proven to be such a deterrent elsewhere around the world, hasn’t it? And it’ll undoubtedly prove especially effective against Jihadists who are willing to die for a cause.

But it is on occasion reassuring to know that over this white noise – this cacophony of bile – the voices of sense can be heard, and in growing numbers. People calling for calm and urging restraint and tolerance in these testing times. People who can see this vile act for what it is - and not fall into exactly the trap that those who carried it out want us to fall victim to.

Not in my name.

But we need not have worried anyway - it’s all okay – we’re all saved - Under cover of nightfall emerge a horde of brave patriots, their faces covered - nothing but bloody vengeance on their minds.

The police – who you’d think had enough on their plate, what with trying to investigate a vicious murder – have to contend with having missiles thrown at them.

Mosques are attacked as though people believe they’re automated terrorist machines, like the generators in the eighties arcade game Gauntlet spewing out a torrent of suicide bombers armed with scimitars yelling “Allahu Akbar”.

They are the English Defence League, but the values they promote – small-mindedness, hatred and bigotry - are not part of an England that I recognise – and nor are they values that I would ever wish to defend.

Not in my name.

Ah, I see how that works now.

Grown up fucking adults start arguing about fucking console specifications already.

The Colecovision. Ask your fucking dad.

In a fucking astonishing move that has frankly surprised nobody, grown up fucking adults have already started fucking arguing about which of the yet-to-be-released consoles is the best one.

People whose time would be better served doing voluntary work or running on a treadmill to power some sort of fucking dialysis machine or something have already been comparing the fucking specifications of the forthcoming Playstation 4 and the X Box One and the games that only exist as fucking twenty seconds of pre-rendered footage in a short video clip and determining which of the two will triumph in the forthcoming console wars. And using the phrase Console Wars incorrectly in such a way that gives it an importance one would give to actual wars.

Thousands of paragraphs of text and hundreds of hours of video will be expended on what is effectively a sealed PC in a box capable of playing games, albeit games in a higher resolution and with more 3 colours that have been shown fucking previously. Or something.

Nintendo (whose new campaign for the Wii-U involves attempting to give the hardware away in boxes of cereal) were unavailable for fucking comment.

OFCOM proposes time delay to live programmes to improve subtitle quality

Broadcasting watchdog Ofcom is proposing a time delay to live programmes in order to improve the quality of subtitles.

The Regular eater has real eased a liszt of propped easels it hopes will a dress the conch earns of view hers.

Subbed titles are used by more than a mill Ian peep-hole with earring Imp pair mints to watch telly vision, but view hers have camp laned about subbed titles that are deal layed, frieze, dizzy pier or witch contain Imac curate seas - these can range from mine her spelling her roars to made your home missions and mist leading subbed titles.

Ofcom have said that as pre-paired subbed titling is General Lee of a good quality, they are ass king broad cask ears on the fees sub Billy tea of deal laying live programmes for a snort period of thyme.

Under the cure rent rules broad cask ears must reap port to Ofcom on the Anne mount of subbed titling they pro find. The watched hog is now prop hosing they also rep port on the Jenny Rule quality of their sun-bed titles.

The watched hog is also prop hosing to pub lush reap ports every cigs moths on subbed titling Stan turds and to money Tor the number of probe grams that are deal livered late, result thing in live subbed titling.

Star Trek into Darkness - SPOILERS

WARNING: The following blog-post is absolutely jam packed full of spoilers, as in I'm going to virtually describe the entire plot of Star Trek Into Darkness, the second in the series by J.J. Abrams. It's a film I enjoyed, but definitely one where the plot doesn't hold up to scrutiny. You're just supposed to pay attention to the pretty pictures and lens flare and not think about it too hard.

But seriously though, I couldn't put any more spoilers in this if I tried so don't read any more unless you've either already seen Into Darkness or have no interest in watching it whatsoever. I'm taking no responsibility whatsoever in the fact that this will spoil the plot for you. Seriously. Go away.

Really. There are more spoilers here than you'll find in the Spoiler Shelf in the Spoiler Shop of Ruiny McSpoilerson.

No, really. You have been warned.

STAR TREK NO HYPHEN TL;DR INTO PLOTLESSNESS
BY ROBERTO ORCI, ALEX KURTZMAN AND DAMON LINDELOF
ADAPTED FOR CYNICAL PLOTHOLERY BY DAVID COURT

Mr Lava Lava.

EXT. NIBIRU ALIEN PLANET SURFACE - DAY - We open on an aerial shot of Indiana Jones Kirk and Bones being pursued by angry spear-wielding natives. Some of the spears come flying towards the camera to remind the audience why they paid the extra quid to watch this film in 3D. Look, a volcano. With Spock inside.

SPOCK: Nope, I've tried again and again but even my Vulcan logic can't work out why I'm standing in this volcano priming this device when we could have just done that in the shuttle and dropped it down here.

KIRK: We've jumped off a cliff and now we're inside the Enterprise which we were hiding in a big lake. Don't worry, Spock, I'm going to come and rescue you.

SPOCK: You know that Prime Directive thing? That one that prevents us from interfering in the development of another civilisation? Well, I can't help but feel we've already broken that big time by trying to stop this volcano erupting but if you emerge from the lake then we've DEFINITELY broken it. I've been revising.

KIRK: I'm coming to rescue you anyway. Bridge - take us out of this lake and over that volcano so we can transport in Spock because the bizarre rules regarding when we can or can't use the transporter because of interference from seemingly anything don't appear to apply with magma.

SPOCK: No, don't rescue me - I'm ready to die - and I'll only have to write up a report specifying exactly what's happened and that'll probably end up getting us both into trouble. Sheesh. I've started composing it in my head already. "Dear Starfleet, my name is Spock and-"

SPOCK is transported back onto the ENTERPRISE.

WHITE FACED ALIENS on planet having watched the Enterprise emerge from the lake draw a picture of it in the sand. 

WHITE FACED ALIEN CHIEFTAIN GAVIN REYNOLDS: Let us now base our entire future religious and moral structure on the emergence of the mighty white bird from the great lake. If anything, it'll make an interesting plotline when they reboot Star Trek: The Next Generation in 20 years and they come and visit this world.

KABOOM,

EXT. FUTURE LONDON - DAY 

We are now in FUTURE-LONDON. This is just like normal London only it now has a future-London Eye, a future-Wembley and the Future-Boris Bikes hover above the ground (or have lasers or something). We can see SAINT PAULS thus reminding us that yes, we’re in London and yes, it’s a listed building not affected by the construction of FUTURE LONDON. 

MICKEY from off of DOCTOR WHO has a poorly daughter. In exchange for MEDICINE from SHERLOCK HOLMES making her better he uses an EXPLOSIVE LEMSIP to BLOW UP A FEDERATION BUILDING.

INT. STARFLEET HEADQUARTERS

CHRISTOPHER PIKE: Spock has written up a report specifying exactly what has happened and it's got you both into trouble. You can't have the Enterprise any more and Spock has been reassigned to USS OtherShip. Go and drown your sorrows and don't stop doing that until I come with you with an emergency.

INT. SPACE PUB - LATER 

PIKE: Despite being like the father you never knew and that now you're my new first officer, there's been an emergency.

INT. SUPER SPECIAL STARFLEET EMERGENCY MEETING ROOM

SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER: Sherlock - who is one of us - has blown up a federation building. Just a library, I think. I've called all of you important Federation people here - where we always come to when things like this happen - because we need to talk about what we're going to do about it.

KIRK: I'm pretty new at this whole game but am I the only one smart enough to figure out that Sherlock now knows where we all are? Not quite sure how he'd know WHEN we were coming here, but..

SHERLOCK opens fire on the building in his BMW GUNSHIP SPACE CAR. 

PIKE: For a powerful intergalactic federation we sure are crap at defending the airspace around our bases. It's also worse than that, I'm dead, Jim.

PIKE dies. KIRK destroys Sherlocks BMW GUNSHIP SPACE CAR with a fire hose. Or something. SHERLOCK escapes.

SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER: Right, Kirk. Despite the fact we've only just taken your ship off you we're giving it you back. This is of course not at all suspicious. Sherlock is hiding on the Apostrophe Klingon homeworld of Qo'noS so we're going to equip the Enterprise for super-special not-at-all-suspicious torpedoes which can target him and take him out.

KIRK: Kronos?

SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER: Qo'noS.

KIRK: That sounds fine. I'm sure Scotty won't mind having one of these torpedoes on board.

SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER: Yeah. About that. There are 72 of them. That's about a normal amount of torpedoes, right?

KIRK: 72? That doesn't sound in the slightest bit suspicious. Either the torpedoes are really small - which I can see they're not because they're man-sized - or Sherlock is really big and/or armoured plated - and he isn't because I saw him in his Space Car - or you don't have much faith in your technology working. Still, what the hell.

INT. ENTERPRISE CARGO BAY

CAROL MARCUS: Hi. I've been assigned to the Enterprise. You don't need to say any identification, do you? Cool. Thought not. All I can say is that I'm definitely not the Admirals daughter.

KIRK: Not a problem - as long as I get to see you in your underwear later, that'll be fine. Scotty, you don't mind having these torpedoes on board, do you?

SCOTTY: 72 Torpedoes? And they don't even come with a manual? Not even a downloadable PDF? No way.

KIRK: Get off my ship. You're fired. You know where engineering is, Chekov? You're in charge of it now. Set course for Klingon space. Warp speed ahead. Wheeeeeeee.

EXT. SPACE - The ENTERPRISE stops dead in space.

KIRK: Oops. We're now stranded in space over the Klingon homeworld. Better start repairs. I could launch the torpedoes but it doesn't feel very fair. Have we got any convenient trader ships we've confiscated in the hold that we can use?

UHURA: It just so happens..

EXT. QO'NOS SURFACE - The commandeered conveniently confiscated Trader ship lands. KIRK, SPOCK and UHURA have a fight with some KLINGONS after a failed negotiation in which UHURA translates something wrong and calls all of their mothers shit-faced idiots until SHERLOCK appears and KILLS the KLINGONS.

KIRK: You'd better surrender. We've got loads of torpedoes pointing at you.

SHERLOCK: Really? Seems a bit like overkill. How many?

KIRK: 72.

SHERLOCK: Fuck. I surrender.

INT. ENTERPRISE PRISON

SHERLOCK: Right. Turns out my real name is KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!! and I'm a genetically engineered superhuman who has been in cryogenic sleep for 300 years who was forced by the federation to develop weapons because modern man isn't barbaric enough and hasn't got any old books telling them how to do it. I'd open up one of those torpedoes and have a look if I were you. Get your chief medical officer on it - The precision of equipment and robots and stuff you've got to do it probably won't be a match for his surgeons touch - unless he fucks it up royally and you end up just having to defuse it by ripping stuff out of it. He'll find that every torpedo has one of my crew inside in cryogenic suspension. And here are some co-ordinates. Or it might be my mobile number.

BONES: Right, we've done all that despite the fact I had to point out to the captain I'm a doctor and not a torpedo engineer - which became apparent when I fucked it all up. I'm busy over here injecting some of the blood of Sherlock, sorry, KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!! into a Tribble. Don't know why I mentioned it really. As you were.

KIRK: Thanks for the update, Bones. That might come in handy later. I hope you remembered how you fucked up opening up that torpedo - that might be useful information as well.

KIRK calls SCOTTY who is in a SPACE PUB drinking SCOTTISH SPACE McWHISKY.

KIRK: Hi Scotty. I'm calling you from deep space - the roaming charges on this call will be extortionate. Still, excellent signal though. Despite me basically sacking you earlier, I need you to travel to some co-ordinates I'm about to give you. Not sure why.

INT. SHUTTLE - SCOTTY has gone to the coordinates and is looking out the window at something AMAZING and sneaks in to get nearer with some other shuttles that COINCIDENTALLY JUST HAPPEN to be going there AT THAT EXACT SAME MOMENT.

Cue soundtrack "Baaaaaam baaaaam baaaaaaaam"

EXT. SPACE - A huge spaceship warps in next to and dwarfs the the ENTERPRISE. This is the USS SPINAL TAP also known as the USS VENGEANCE. It is BLACK because IT IS EVIL.

INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE - KIRK is talking on the viewscreen to the commanding officer on the VENGEANCE who is SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER.

SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER: I can't help but notice you didn't fire the 72 torpedoes. I hope you haven't spoken to KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!, I mean Sherlock.

KIRK: Yes we did.

SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER: Bugger. BLOW UP THE ENTERPRISE! Kirk, I order you to lose. Worth a shot. You're not going to scupper my plans on starting a new war with the Klingons, despite the fact that there must have been far easier ways to achieve this goal. I love war, me.

AUDIENCE: Hang on a cotton pickin' minute. Were you trying to start a war with the Klingons by firing all of Sherlocks mates at them in torpedoes? Or by stranding the Enterprise in deep space so they'd be -

LENS FLARE AND LOADS OF EXPLOSIONS

AUDIENCE: Ooooh. Pretty.

THE VENGEANCE shoots lots of explodey glowy torpedo things at the ENTERPRISE which BECOMES VERY DAMAGED and has 6% SHIELDS or SOMETHING.

CAROL MARCUS: Dad, I mean Admiral, stop firing on my friends! And don't you dare transport me out of here in the middle of a sen-

CAROL is transported OFF THE ENTERPRISE and onto THE VENGEANCE.

CAROL MARCUS: -tence. Balls.

SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER: The only way we could possibly not completely wipe them out is if somehow one of his old crew with a certain level of engineering know-how had managed to sneak on board the VENGEANCE at its secret co-ordinates and disabled the weapon systems.

EXT. VENGEANCE - THE WEAPONS STOP FIRING

KIRK: I think, KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!, that we should form a temporary allegiance and go over to the vengeance to stop Space Admiral Robocop Peter Weller. Scotty can let us in now as he's managed to sneak on board the VENGEANCE at its secret co-ordinates and disabled the weapon systems. Shame he can't do the same with the shield so we could teleport over, but that never works when it'd be useful.

EXT. SPACE

KIRK and KHAAN!!!! hurtle through space in their spacesuits, just like the bit in the first one where KIRK, SULU and REDSHIRT had to land on a mining platform. That bit was ace. SCOTTY opens the door for them just in time, even though he had an absolute age.

KIRK: You mean you could have let me in at any time?

SCOTTY: Only when it was exciting. 

INT. VENGEANCE - VENGEANCE BRIDGE

KIRK: We've come to stop you, Space Admiral Robocop Peter Weller. 

INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE - NEW FORMULA SPOCK is talking to OLD SPOCK on the videoscreen.

NEW SPOCK: So, this KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!! Can we trust him?

OLD SPOCK: Khan Noonian Singh? Never heard of him. 

NEW SPOCK: ...

OLD SPOCK: Oops. I can't tell you things like that because it would seriously affect the space-time continuum. But no, you can't. And tell the people of Earth to take care of all the Whales. And the Squire of Gothos is some kind of alien child. And if an alien tells you he's God, he isn't. And when you meet Dr. Soran, just shoot him on sight. And don't let Nimoy direct or Shatner write any books.

INT. VENGEANCE - VENGEANCE BRIDGE - KIRK and KHAN!!!! take control of the bridge. SCOTTY stuns KHAN with his phaser. KHAN!!!! betrays KIRK - although it could be argued he was betrayed first - and kills SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER by CRUSHING HIS HEAD with his bare hands. KHAN!!!! negotiates with SPOCK for the life of KIRK and SPOCK beams the 72 (72!) torpedoes onto the VENGEANCE.

KHAN teleports KIRK, SCOTTY and CAROL back to the ENTERPRISE to destroy it but SPOCK reveals that despite only having a stupidly short period of time to do so - and when doing it just once nearly killed BONES and CARLOS MARCUS - they've managed to get all the 72 cryo-pods out of the TORPEDOES which are NOW ARMED and on board the USS VENGEANCE which SPOCK DETONATES.

THE ENTERPRISE crashes down towards EARTH and KIRK has to sacrifice his life dying from radiation poisoning to realign the warp core - which sounds complicated but is essentially done by percussive maintenance; I.e. kicking it until it is realigned.

WE SIT THROUGH an almost SHOT FOR SHOT retelling of the SAME SCENE from THE WRATH OF KHAN but it's okay because it's a HOMAGE. SPOCK gets to scream KHAN!!!!.

AUDIENCE: I'm really surprised that they killed Kirk off in the second movie. You'll forgive this scene not having any particular emotional resonance with us because they're bound to find a way to undo it. But I guess nobody actually said "he's dead" but they've just implied it a lot.

THE damaged USS VENGEANCE crashes into NEW SAN FRANCISCO. SPLASH. CRASH. BANG. WALLOP.

SPOCK gets ANGRY and chases after KHAN!!!! by leaping from convenient floating car to convenient floating car in what resembles a cross between the videogames Streetfighter and Frogger. The ENTERPRISE would beam them up but they CAN'T DO IT because THEY'RE MOVING TOO FAST or something even though CHEKOV did it in the first one.

INT. ENTERPRISE - MEDICAL BAY - The TRIBBLE that DIED OR SOMETHING comes back to life.

BONES: Tell Spock he can kill Khan!!! all he wants because we don't need him. The genetically engineered blood from Khan and his lackeys is MAGIC and we've got 72 perfectly good blood donors in cryogenic tubes in our hold.

SPOCK: Sorry, didn't catch a word of that - this is a really bad signal. I'm really angry and am going to beat you up now - I'm especially angry that I did my fancy neck pinch on you and all you did was go 'Ow'.

SPOCK and KHAN continue fighting and SPOCK WINS. Even though he really wants to kill Khan because he's angry, he doesn't.

BONES injects KIRK with the MAGIC BLOOD and he COMES BACK TO LIFE. STAR FLEET give KIRK his job back with some obvious embarrassment after one of their MOST IMPORTANT AND HIGHEST RANKING MEMBERS secretly tried to bump off EVERYBODY ON THE ENTERPRISE. Which they've rebuilt. And given a polish.

KHAN and all his CREW are put back into CRYOGENIC SUSPENSION in a warehouse to be investigated by TOP MEN so they can escape in STAR TREK 8.

KIRK: Space... the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Her five year mission - that you'd assumed the first film had ended with - to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life forms and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before. Until I invariably lose captaincy of the ship for inevitable subordination in the first twenty minutes of the third film.

And this wasn't a remake of Khan. If anything it was the original episode SPACE SEED, if you think about it. And Spock didn't even die in this, so there's no way we can spend the third film looking for him, capische?

Wheeeeeeee.

EXT. SPACE - ENTERPRISE goes into WARP leaving behind big sparkly blue lines.

*END CREDITS*

CAPTAIN KIRK WILL RETURN IN
Star Trek colon The Voyage Home to the Undiscovered Country

Alex Ferguson Retirement: Latest news

After 26 years in charge, Sir Alex Ferguson will step down as Manchester United Manager at the end of the current season.

"The decision to retire is one that I have thought a great deal about. It is the right time." Ferguson is quoted as saying.

The Manchester United Board of Directors have issued a press release about the news, which is as follows:

"On a personal note let us initially state that we at the board are delighted that Alex has agreed to stay as a director. His contributions to Manchester United over the last 26 years have been extraordinary and, like all United fans, I want him to be a part of its future.

His retirement has come somewhat of a shock to all of us but we're sure that we stand with all Manchester United Fans in that he deserves a worthy send off. It is customary to give those entering retirement with a gold watch - however, in light of the magnificent achievements of Sir Alex we have decided to both abide by this tradition but also go one step further and gift him with the magic time controlling watch he has used during his tenure with the club.

The magical tachyon-altering powers of the famous timepiece should suit him well in retirement - by allowing him to slow time to an absolute crawl when dashing to use his free bus pass on local transport or by allowing him to speed it up to allow it to pass at hundreds of times its normal speed when trying to hurry up a boring board meeting."

Judge Minty - The Full Movie

You may recall me mentioning my (very minor) involvement in the Judge Minty fan film over the last year or so. Well, after a long wait and it doing the rounds of various science fiction and movie festivals, the full film is now available to watch online.

Hearty congratulations have to go to Director Steven Sterlacchini and DoP Stephen Green for getting this made - something so excellent that it's beyond what normally falls into the category of "Fan Film". It's a 27 minute piece of perfection that I can't think of enough superlatives to adequately descibe. Judge Minty for your viewing pleasure.. Enjoy.

Games to watch out for in 2013

There has never been a better time to be a gamer (other than potentially during the summer of 1889 when the game of Tiddlywinks was patented in London). With new versions of the Playstation, XBox, Commodore +4, Dreamcast², Atari Jaguar and Nokia N-Gage all set to hit the shelves later this year, make sure you don't miss out on some of the biggest and most exciting games coming to consoles in 2013.

Kinect™ Nigel Farages Electile Disfunction 

"But the entire population of both those countries - let alone those of
working age - is less than 29 million"
"SHUT UP. I'M WINNING THIS LEVEL"

With the technological magic of Kinect™, step into the not-at-all-racist shoes of Nigel Farage for an exciting UKIP adventure!

Through voice commands and arm movements alone TWEAK the statistics on posters so they’re LOW enough to look vaguely plausible at first glance but HIGH enough to terrify large numbers of gullible people!

Using the wizardry of KINECT™ MIMIC the positions of UKIP candidates to make it look less like they're doing Nazi salutes - Perhaps they're imitating a pot plant, or congratulating a small child by patting them on the head. Maybe they're doing a hand-based impression of a manta ray or pointing towards something in the distance. Bonus points for the more ridiculous the explanation! Be sure you don't lose this level and have to suffer the "Claim that my facebook account was hacked" defence!

TAKE TO THE SKIES in the exciting UKIP Flight simulator! Display your slogans in mid-air over an unsuspecting public - but be careful that the ropes you use don't get caught in the tail of your aircraft.. or you'll be coming down to earth with a right bump.... or rather a far right bump,eh?

Call of duty: Conscientious Objector

The newest in the franchise from Infinity Warm studios (developers of Medal Of Honour: Switzerland), COD:CO covers most of human conflicts throughout modern history from the perspective of those who decide to sit on the sidelines and passively observe the conflicts as an individual who has claimed the right to refuse to perform military service on the grounds of freedom of thought, conscience and/or religion.

READ THE NEWSPAPERS about the exciting events of the D-Day Landings. LISTEN TO RADIO BROADCASTS about the failed German Drive towards Moscow in 1941 as part of Operation Typhoon.

Xbox owners get exclusive Downloadable Content (DLC) exclusive wallpapers covering the themes of pacifism, non-interventionalism, non-resistance and anti-militarism. Playstation owners get two levels exclusive to their console - "Put that fire out-Civilian firefighting" and "Put that light out-ARP Warden".

Call of Duty: Conscientious Objector will not be available in Russian territories.

"Ensign Everest, I'd make a joke here about the Captains Log, but it'd
frankly demean us both. Let's just assume that this is the hardest mission
you've faced to date. Mr. Worf has the shits something rotten thanks to
those six pints of Eborian Old Peculiar, and you're our only hope."

Star Trek: Federation Plumber 

From MucusArts™  (the developers of Colin Milne: Imperial Dentist™ and Sandra Hurst; Hairdresser of the Rebel Alliance™) comes their new exciting take on the Star Trek Franchise. YOU are Jacob Everest, recent recruit to the illustrious plumbing division of the Federation Engineering Corps on your new assignment on board the legendary U.S.S. Enterprise.

EXPLORE exciting locations such as Enterprise Drinking Water Reservoir A/0001, Enterprise Drinking Water Reservoir A/0002, Enterprise Drinking Water Reservoir B/0001, Enterprise Silage Tank S/0001-A and Enterprise Silage Tank S/0001-B. And, on rare occasion, inside the moisture collector on Aft Enterprise Warp Nacelle 2.

WIELD exotic alien equipment such as the Venusian Hyper-spanner, the Klingon Hyper-spanner, the Ferengi MegaWrench™ and the slightly bigger Venusian Hyper-spanner.

You’ll get to spend your nine hour daily shift fixing water, gas, sewage and wastewater pipes. Explore the bowels of the Enterprise (sometimes literally) in this exciting adventure set in the Star Trek: The Next Generation Universe.

GTA5:Daily Mail Edition will coordinate with
all popular social media and blogging sites
and automatically generate posts identifying
anything outrageous and offensive you might have
missed, automatically posting about it on your
behalf with pompous indignity and mock rage.

"Drinkable water and adequate sanitary conditions? MAKE IT SO!"

Bioshock: Finite 

A special Game of the Year variant of one of 2013s best selling console games, with the additional feature that the game disk wipes itself if your character dies. The Collectors edition of Bioshock: Finite for the Nokia N-Gage comes with a statuette and the complete works of Ayn Rand - and if you pre-order it before release date, also comes with a nice sandwich.

..And more besides.

Other releases foe 2013 include Grand Theft Auto 5: Pre-generated Daily Mail Controversy Edition, Theme Hospital: The Shipman Years, Penultimate Fantasy VII, Tomb Raider: Kindergarten, Emmerdale: Online and finally Immortal Kombat for the Atari Jaguar - an exciting fighting game from the makers of SOAPWARS (which allowed you to pit characters from UK soap operas against each other in bloody one-on-one melee combat). Immortal Kombat sees you playing as one of various selectable deities for all religions* each with an infinite health bar. At last Zeus can fight Jehovah.. for ever!

However sad news for certain game fans at the news of the closure of Vaginal games and the cancellation of the long expected (but also heavily delayed) Rock, Scissors, Paper Extreme. This marks the end of an era for fans of this popular development studio - especially the loyal fanbase of their popular point-and-click series from the eighties Hart to Hart: Moider One, The Selwyn Froggitt Adventures, Murder She Wrote.. again, The adventures of Mrs. Columbo and Manimal: Zookeeper.

* Does not include Mohammed, Buddha or Xenu.

Operation Eucalyptus Tree: The Verdict

Chaz, confirmed innocent. Morph pictured
on right.

Operation Eucalyptus Tree (a lesser publicised police investigation but one running in conjunction and parallel to Operation Yewtree) was closed earlier this evening by the Metropolitan Police Service having been deemed a complete success.

"Children of the Seventies and Early eighties may well have believed that their childhoods were being slowly disassembled as celebrity after celebrity have been indicted in some truly abhorrent behaviour", said DS Nintendo, one of the senior investigating officers involved with Operation Eucalyptus Tree, "but they can at least take some small solace from the results of this comprehensive investigation that we have found a total of 9 celebrities from that era who at no stage in their careers were involved in child abuse or rape."

The 9 celebrities (not all of whom can be named for legal reasons) include Russell Harty, Dave Allen, Chaz (from Morph fame), Kenny Everett and Tregard from Knightmare.

"Even Matthew Kelly. I know. Who'd have thought it. That one lost me a bet.", concluded DS Nintendo.

Meanwhile Yewtree and other investigations continue and slowly one by one will slowly end up involving every single one of your childhood idols until they all blur into one vaguely amorphous monster and you find yourself no longer surprised by every new horrible announcement. And now, the weather.